AWESOME BITCHES

MO'NIQUE

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:35:00 -0400

“If ya sittin’ next to a skinny bitch take yo fist and hit that bitch on the top of her mothafuckin’ ear.”

Mo’Nique urges her Big Bitch Brethren to Handle They Shit and that’s exactly what Mo has been doin’ since day one. Fierce, Fabulous, Fat, ‘n Funny; Mo’Nique’s strength & self-confidence is an inspiration 2 Wombmoonz across the world ‘n she makes no apologies for the size of her body Or her mouth.

Mo’Nique showed her Motherly side in the first season of Vh1’s Charm School, wherein she described Pumkin’s provocative behavior as, “Slutacious. She was being a slutacious whore.” - easily one of the Gr8est lines in Reality TV history. This fall Mo’Nique’s sensitive side will shine once again when she will inevitably Work It Out and Win A Shitload Of Oscars for her upcoming performance in Precious.

NANCY GRACE

Tue, 05 May 2009 21:58:00 -0400

“Did your kidnappers tell you they would hurt you or your family if you tried to get away?”

Nancy Grace is Goddess’ Gift 2 Television. She is Totally Self-Absorbed and Callous and is always armed with Intermittent Rage to unleash at anyone who disagrees with her or says something that could only be construed as offensive by Nancy herself. Her swagger is equal parts Aquanet and Ann Taylor Loft — but don’t let her Tough Bitch Demeanor fool U; she is actually a Vicious Cunt and that’s why she is bein’ featured on AwesomeBitches.

IMELDA MARCOS

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 23:12:00 -0400

“I was born ostentatious. They will list my name in the dictionary someday. They will use ‘Imeldific’ to mean ostentatious extravagance.”

Imelda Marcos (named “The Greediest Person in the World” by Newsweek) is infamous for being the wife of former Filipino president Ferdinand Marcos, who was a Royal Piece Of Shit Who Possessed Not Even The Tiniest Iota Of Compassion For His Impoverished Peoples. More importantly, however, Imelda is known for her massive collection of shoes and her persistent delusion that the poor were inspired by her ostentatious, contextually offensive displays of wealth.

Imelda’s obsession with her own face and her own wealth makes her an awesome bitch; she may be an awful person with no grasp on economics, but she was a Hell Of A Nuisance to anyone who expected more from a first lady. She really Showed The World how truly self-absorbed a human can be, and the fact that she’s never censored herself (possibly out of an extreme self-unawareness) is Hilariously Special to me.

Keep Spendin’ Those Not-Earned Dollas, Imelda.

ROSEANNE BARR

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:39:00 -0400

“I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That’s what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.”

What I love about Roseanne is her willingness 2 be Insufferably Irritating to anyone who dislikes her. Not only that, but Roseanne was the greatest sitcom 2 ever grace television and anyone who disagrees with that can Eat The Shit From My Asshole. No one has articulated Man Hatred better than this awesome bitch and for that I commend her ‘N I am Immensely Inspired by her lack of self-restraint.

This UTube Video is aptly titled “”“God Bless Roseanne”“”

LA' CHAT

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 21:39:00 -0400

“You know what’chya problem is? You wanna be me. You know, I mean like, have some of the things I got - like my money, or maybe the clothes on my back. I think you like this car I’m drivin’, huh? I see the way you be look when I’m ‘round. You know, I know you wish you had one of these trick daddy ballers like I got, like the one I had on the [???] the other night. In fact, you even like to look like me (look like me, look like me, look like me.)”

La’ Chat is one of the purest embodiments of Realness out there right now; she turns every threat into a promise and even though a glimmer of Real Human Sensitivity is occasionally flashed through her words, she manages to still Keep It Real and Go Hard non-stop. Chat has no time for Haters, Lames, or Drama and she expresses this time constraint continuously.

Chat makes her love for Excessive Weed Smoking and Wilin’ Out no secret; in her own words, “9 times out of 10 I’m either drunk or high”. ‘N if U come around tryin’ 2 Smoke 4 Free, she will Put U In Ur Damn Place by means of a) Brutal Violence or b) Brutal Clowning.

La’ Chat - U Ain’t Mad Iz Ya.mp3

ANN COULTER

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:03:00 -0400

“I don’t know if Bill Clinton is gay. But Al Gore? Total fag.”

U may be asking yourself, “Why is such a hateful, homophobic, racist, classist, misogynistic, self-righteous horseface featured in this blog?” It’s simple. Ann Counter is for real the Joan Rivers of politics and she makes no apology for it. Besides, it’s not like I take anything she says seriously because the only people who respect her as a Political Thinker are people who nobody else gives a fuck about anyway.

Ages ago I had a theory that Coulter’s persona was a Brilliant Satire and she was successfully punking the globe, gettin’ panties twisted left and right over what is merely a sarcastic caricature of Neo-Conservatism. After realizing that this isn’t the case, it didn’t diminish my admiration for her. If anything, it strengthened it. It occurs to me now that she is Legit Fucking Crazy and as far as an Inspiration goes, I admire that she doesn’t let the rampant Manface comments get 2 her. If anything, she Luvs It, and anyone who can dismiss the haters like that and keep on Pissing The Damn World Off is an awesome bitch in my book.

Keep on Rockin’ In The World In Which U Wish To Limit Freedom, Ann. Love you.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:31:00 -0400

“The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”

Tallulah Bankhead was a Hollywood and Broadway actress from the 1920s until the 1950s. She was raised in some Rich Ass Political Family and was essentially a posterchild for Overprivileged White Gurls everywhere as her crippling cocaine addiction demonstrated. Additionally, Bankhead luv’d 2 fuck and made her Extreme Lust no secret. She was also noted for her Non-Ironic and Constant use of the word “Dahling”.

Bankhead’s last coherent words were, ”Codeine…bourbon…”, therefore making her one of the most awesome bitches of all time.